Milwaukee Brewers: Downtown Wisconsin Avenue Brat

If anyone knows hot dogs and Brats it is Brewers fans. They live smack dab in the middle of the encased meat capital of the world. Their Miller Park tailgate grill parties are legendary, and fans like that demand a meat monster worthy of living in Milwaukee. Last year the Brewers answered with “The Beast.” This year, the new meat missle on the block is the “Down Wisconsin Avenue” brat. The moniker comes from a call from famed Brewer broadcaster, and former MLB player, Bob Uecker’s call when a pitch is thrown right down the middle of the plate, which the Uecker claims is right “down wisconsin avenue.”

When you replace a dog called “The Beast,” you had better be impressive. And this brat will make fans forget The Beast ever existed. It is an 18-inch Klement’s spicy brat topped with beef gravy, shoe string fries, frizzled sauerkraut, two types of cheese curds, cheese sauce, sour cream, fried jalapenos and fresh chives. Zoinks! (as Shaggy would say when encountering a monster), that is a whole lot of food. First, I didn’t know there was more than one type of cheese curd, and second, this conglomeration of ingredients is placed not in a large hot dog bun, but a gonnella bread bun (which is like a hoagie bun). It is large, soft, tasty and daunting.

Appeal-anything that is supposedly better than “The Beast” is a dog I want to meet. 5

Ingredients-all first class and fresh, and Klement’s makes world class brats. 5

WARNING: It is larger in real life

Uniqueness-the only entry I know of named after a broadcaster’s signature call. Plus the name alone makes you curious. 5

Monstrosity Factor-you did read the part about it being an 18-inch brat yes? Throw in all those toppings in that huge, soft bun and you have dog evan Pac-Man can’t devour. There was no way I could eat a whole one. 5

Value-this is a two-person brat, and those two fans are going to be full. Sure, it’s $20, but that is $10 a fan for a meat lover’s fantasy in a bun. And it will be the ONLY thing you eat that night. Get a regular dog and some peanuts and you are already over $10 per eater. 5

Overall Taste-spicy but not overpowering, top-notch ingredients and the best bun/roll in baseball. I was tempted to purge just so I could make room for another. I figured I could tell fans Bob Uecker’s play-by-play was making me ill. 5

APPEAL	5
INGREDIENTS	5
UNIQUENESS	5
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	5
VALUE	5
OVERALL TASTE	5
TOTAL	30

The Sausage Rope

Finally, after a few entries getting close, a dog with a perfect score. It all comes together for the “Down Wisconsin Avenue” Dog. But wait...there’s more! The Brewers also offer a sausage rope (see photo), and they will whack off 6 or 12 inches to suit your taste. Place it on a gonnella bun with sauteed peppers and onions. Can’t handle the the “Down Wisconsin Avenue” First of all: wimp. Secondly: the rope sausage is for you.

Service With a Smile

I also got to meet Chef Pastor Jimenez who was at Target Field last year and part of the team that designed another brat that received high marks, “The Brat Dog.” The concessions team (Delaware North Company) is led by Eric Babcock. You may remember I ran into Eric during Spring Training in Arizona. He ran the concessions at Scottsdale Stadium, which ended up winning the Cactus League best ballpark/hot dog experience. Now he captains the team that has the first dog with a perfect score. My hot dog instincts tell me personnel is just as important as ingredients when putting out the perfect dog.

Brewers fans love baseball and have a dog they can be proud of. But if you go to more than a few games a year, and tackle the Downtown Wisconsin Avenue Dog; make sure to renew your gym membership.

Chicago Cubs: Buffalo Wing Dog

Man, I don’t know what it is this year. Last year I only had one rain out, and that was a minor league game, and one rain shortened game. This year I have been dodging the rain left and right. My trip to Wrigley was no exception. The game was completed, but after the 6th inning there was some rain. You know what smells worse than a wet dog? A wet 101 year-old ballpark.

Speaking of Wrigley, I hate the new scoreboards. They are HUGE, hi-def and would be a great addition to any ballpark except Wrigley or Fenway. When you have a 100+ year-old sports venue, part of the appeal and charm is that you can get a feel of how it was back in the day. Wrigley has lost some of its innocence with the addition of those electronic behemoths. The Cubs have talked for years about building a new ballpark somewhere in the Chicago suburbs. Now may be the time to move on that idea.

The good news is they fared way better this year than last. I had the Buffalo Wing Dog. I know what you are thinking, “it’s Wrigley, why not have the Chicago Dog.” Well, I did…last year. It was delicious. The problem is that the Chicago Dog is so famous EVERY team offers one. Sure, it is a Chicago Dog in Chicago. That doesn’t make it taste better. And it sure as hell would not be unique. So I opted for the best choice to help the Cubbie’s score.

The Buffalo Wing Dog is a footlong Vienna Beef frank topped with coleslaw and shredded chicken and buffalo sauce.

Appeal-I am growing fond of the two-meat dogs. And it sounded so different it drew me to it. 5

Ingredients-I expected it to be topped with chicken wings. It was shredded chicken instead. Good thing, I would hate to have had to deal with those tiny bones on my dog. The meat was tasty and good quality. 4.5

Uniqueness-not the first team to top a dog with shredded chicken. Just the first one I know of to add buffalo sauce to it. 4

Monstrosity Factor-while it was a large dog, it was not huge. Lots of meat but not so much you feel compelled to share. I probably could have eaten most of another. You will be pleased to know I did not. 4

Value-considering I have spent $8 for just a regular dog at one other MLB venue, the same amount for this large, tasty specialty dog is a good price. And for most people, one is a meal. 5

Overall Taste-I was pleased that they put just the right amount of buffalo sauce on the dog. It complemented the dog and was not overpowering. All ingredients played well together and left my mouth very pleased. 5

APPEAL	5
INGREDIENTS	4.5
UNIQUENESS	4
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	4
VALUE	5
OVERALL TASTE	5
TOTAL	27.5

A score of 27.5 is good score for the aging Wrigley. The installation of the Decade Dogs stand, where you can get your specialty dogs, is a fine addition to one of the grand old ladies of baseball. But get rid of those scoreboards, it is like watching your great-grandma trying to use an Apple Watch.

Cleveland Indians: The Thomenator

So what does whacking 612 home runs over a career get you besides a probable ticket to Cooperstown? Something even better than getting enshrined in the National Baseball Hall of Fame: having a ginormous and delicious hot dog named after you. The Thomenator is named after Jim Thome, a MLB slugger that spent the apex of his career with the Indians.

This over-the-top and out-of-the-park dog consists of a ten-inch Sugardale frank topped with sauerkraut, grilled onions and three pierogis. Frankly, a brick would taste good if it were topped with pierogis, but The Thomenator  taste like a dog born to be served in the ballpark. The bun wasn’t the freshest, but it still went down easy. DO NOT ATTEMPT to eat with your hands. I’m gonna need some extra strength Tide to get those mustard stains out of my shirt. This is strictly a fork dog.

Speaking of mustard, you MUST top off this dog (or any dog at Progressive Field) with Bertman Ballpark Mustard. It is a Cleveland-only hot dog staple that gives each dog served in the stadium a unique Cleveland taste. It was the only condiment I put on my dog and complimented The Thomenator perfectly.

Appeal-with it’s Schwarzenegger-like moniker, who could resist? 5

Ingredients-forget the rest. IT HAS PIEROGIS! 5

Uniqueness-great job making this dog something to seek out. 5

Monstrosity Factor-just shy of a perfect score. It’s big, but I have seen bigger. 4.5

Value-for $12 it is a good deal. It is the only meal you will need for the evening. Eat anything else and risk seeing your Thomenator again. 5

Overall Taste-again, nearly perfect score. The bun could be better and while the Sugardale frank was decent, replacing it with a Hebrew National would put this dog over the top. 4.5

APPEAL	5
INGREDIENTS	5
UNIQUENESS	5
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	4.5
VALUE	5
OVERALL TASTE	4.5
TOTAL	29

Hard to believe, but a score of 29 of 30 only puts The Thomenator in three-way tie for first place. Make no mistake though, this is a dog to seek out when at Progressive Field. It is sold only in the right field concessions area. How good was it? In Thomenator language: I’ll be back.

Detroit Tigers: Poutine Dog

Your French lesson for today: Poutine. It is a Canadian dish that consists of french fries and cheese curds covered in brown gravy. Don’t feel bad, I had to google it myself. Sadly, or perhaps luckily, I had never had poutine until I set foot into Comerica Park and sought out their specialty dog. That in itself is a chore since they have a few (all use Natural Casing franks):

The Late Night-shredded cheese, bacon bits and a fried egg (yes, a fried egg).

Pretzel Dog-jalapeno cheese, diced green onions on a pretzel bun.

The Slaw Dog-coney sauce and slaw.

The Coney Dog-shredded cheese and chili.

I nearly chose the Late Night Dog because it was so weird. Detroit is also known for its Coney Dogs. I opted for the Poutine Dog because it gets the most press (therefore more famous), has a local flair and is one very original dog. I always try the dog the gives the team the best chance to score well.

The Poutine Dog has french fries, cheese curds and brown gravy over the frank. It looked much smaller in real life than it did in the internet pictures. It is like waiting months thinking your are going to get to meet Scooby Doo but in the end you really get to shake paws with Scrappy Doo.  Still, a dog this different had me excited to try it.

Appeal-the weirdness of the toppings (unless you live in or near Canada) drew me to it. I had the idea it might taste funky. 4

Ingredients-I have no idea what cheese curds are supposed to taste like. Pork rinds yes, cheese curds no. The brown gravy had me looking for some mashed potatoes. The fries were an excellent addition, but there were too few of them. 4

Uniqueness-off the scale. 5

Monstrosity Factor-I was underwhelmed by the size of it. By the third inning I had a quesadilla coney dog in hand (a coney dog in a browned tortilla). 3

Value-it was not scary expensive, but for the amount of toppings seven bucks is just a tad too much. Six would be more appropriate. 4

Overall Taste-not bad. I was worried it would freak my taste buds out, but after eating it I had an urge to throw a bunch of ‘ehs in my sentences (you know, like the Canadians do). 4

APPEAL	4
INGREDIENTS	4
UNIQUENESS	5
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	3
VALUE	4
OVERALL TASTE	4
TOTAL	24

With an overall score of 24 the Poutine Dog lands the Detroit Tigers smack in the middle of the pack of the 13 ballparks I have visited to date. I do credit Comerica Park for having a stellar lineup of specialty dogs. Not only are there the dogs I mentioned but a fine selection of Winter’s Sausages, regular dogs and special Coney stands. If you find yourself at a Tigers game I would recommend adding it to your list of dogs downed. And if you try that Late Night Dog, let me know how it is.

Chicago White Sox: Paul Konerko Dog

The tale of two cities. Or at least two ballparks, and how diverse they can be as far as fan burden. If you remember I lamented about blowing $25 for a standing room only ticket at Target Field in Minnesota. In Chicago, I braved threatening skies for a $7 ticket in the cheap seats. Huge difference. While the Twins were sold out, the White Sox had me and about six other fans in the ballpark. Then there is the dog difference. The specialty dog in Minneapolis was $12 and way over the top. In contrast the biggest dog at US Cellular Field was $14 and you can see how it scored below (hint: not as well as the Twins’ offering).

Then there was the rain. Never leave until the game is cancelled, that is what I always tell myself. There was about a 30 minute delay for the start due to the rain, in which I killed time explaining the rules of baseball to German tourists in German (yeah, I am a Hot Dog Explorer of many talents). After 2 innings it started pouring again and the tarp came out. I figured they would call it and I would get a head start on my journey to Detroit. I had already devoured the specialty dog anyway. So I scooted out of there. My reward? The game eventually resumed and I missed White Sox pitcher Chris Sale strike out 14 batters in 8 innings. Damn. Never leave until they cancel the game.

The big dog in the park is the Paul Konerko Dog. It is named after team’s former slugger that helped propel them to a World Series Championship in 2005. It is a 14-inch monster that looks daunting. I was up for the challenge.

Appeal-dogs named after players are interesting because they never want to do a former ballplayer the injustice of naming a lame dog after him. I knew it would be an exciting dog. 4

Ingredients-besides the 14-incher you get grilled onions and sauerkraut. I expected something more exotic for the Konerko. 3.5

Uniqueness-while large, it is essentially just a really big hot dog. 3

Monstrosity Factor-size alone carries the score here. While it does not look sexy, it does look big. Kinda like Lurch on the Addams Family. 4

Value-two people could make a meal of it, if they didn’t tire of the lack of unique toppings. 4

Overall Taste-the first twenty percent was a pleasure. But the Vienna Beef frank wore on me and I became tired of it. Plus is was slightly watery which caused the bun to get a bit soggy on the bottom. The ingredients did not play together well enough to entice one person to down the whole dog. 3.5

APPEAL	4
INGREDIENTS	3.5
UNIQUENESS	3
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	4
VALUE	4
OVERALL TASTE	3.5
TOTAL	22

In the end I only ate about 80% of the Paul Konerko Dog. While not a bad dog I went the extra mile to finish the Twins’ Brat Dog even though I was full because it was so dang delicious. Not so with the PK Dog. My advice would be to only get it if you can split it (poetry is another one of my many talents).

Beloit Snappers: Italian Sausage Dog

I took in some more Midwest League action while in Beloit, Wisconsin on Sunday. The weird thing was I was certain that my GPS was leading me astray as it took me cruising through a nice middle-class neighborhood. And then BAM! Out of nowhere appeared Pohlman Field, home of the Beloit Snappers. It’s like they just dropped a ballpark in the neighborhood.

There was a sizeable crowd lined up for entry. It was Matt Garza bobblehead giveaway day. If fans could choose to end world hunger or get a free bobblehead I am certain they would choose the latter. Yeah, I have a collection of a bobbleheads too. They are so damn cool the way their head shakes. Plus, I have been to the bobblehead museum so that makes me an expert on baseball’s equivalent of garden gnomes.

The ballpark itself isn’t much to speak of. It was build in the early 1980s and lacks the character of a really old park and the amenities of a newer modern stadium. Still, the hardball action was worthy. And the dog?

Appeal-I rated it on the three specialty dog offerings of Italian Sausage, Polish, or Brat. That gets you one of the three on a bun and you can add the available condiments. 3

Ingredients-there were no specific ingredients to set this dog apart from the regular hot dog other than the frank. 2

Uniqueness-most parks have versions of the same. 2

Monstrosity Factor-normal size of a hot dog. I also bought some peanuts to fill the void. 2

Value-I lost my actual cost notes, but I do remember it was a good price for what you get. 4.5

Overall Taste-I am not a fan of the Hormel frank. It was watery and had very little taste. I chose the Italian Sausage which I expected to be at least mildly spicy. It fell flat. 2

APPEAL	3
INGREDIENTS	2
UNIQUENESS	2
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	2
VALUE	4.5
OVERALL TASTE	2
TOTAL	15.5

Bette Davis and I getting acquainted

This was only my second stop in the Midwest League. Clinton did well so a Single A ballclub can do better than the 15.5 that Beloit scored. Still, I am glad I went, Single A ball is entertaining and it was fiercely fought game.

But I did get a bobblehead. And I to to meet Beloit’s most charismatic and cutest resident: Bette Davis-canine cutie.

Minnesota Twins: Brat Dog

Did you ever have one of those days? Mine started with pulling into a Toyota dealership in Bloomington, Minnesota to check on a design flaw in my trusty steed. They ended up doing everything except what I wanted and I had to cut them short, demand my keys and run off in order to keep from missing the game. The lateness made it impossible to find free parking, and I hate to pay for parking (you do know I am on a budget don’t you?). Only to find out that the game was sold out and the Twins are pretty much ripping fans off by demanding $25 for a STANDING ROOM ONLY ticket. You can’t conduct nuclear experiments without uranium, and you can’t test the specialty dogs at a ballpark outside of the park. I ended up taking a hit for science and forked over 25 clams for entry. Inside the ballpark the main concourse was jam packed with fans traversing the stadium in two large groups. One going clockwise around the concourse on the outer edge of it, the other counter-clockwise on the inner edge. The diverging circles of rotating humanity will eventually cause a riff in the space/time continuum and suck me into another dimension. I had to get out of there. To make matters worse, no one knew where I could find the Twins specialty dog. Even guest services had no clue. I knew I had seen it on the internet during my research and that was what I used to finally guide me to the one item that would make a difficult day on the road right again.

The Brat Dog is only available in Hrbek’s. A pub-style restaurant located inside Target Field named after the Twin’s former formidable first baseman,. That is where I met the ballpark equivalent of the turducken. It consists of a hot dog, stuffed inside of a bratwurst, wrapped in bacon. Really. And that is just the meat. It sits inside of a pretzel bun and topped with grilled onions and peppers. If you like meat you will love this dog. Both frank and brat are quality offerings from the Sheboygan Sausage Company. The brat outshines the dog with its grainy texture but all three meats are delicious.

Appeal-oddly, with a monster like this, the moniker Brat Dog does not do it justice. If I had not researched this dog I would not have sought it out. 4

Ingredients-everything on this dog is magnificent and delicious and top quality. 5

Uniqueness-John Madden would be proud of the meat-in-a-meat-in-a-meat concept. 5

Monstrosity Factor-when served it looks smaller than you might expect. But don’t be fooled. There is a ton of meat on that bun. It comes cut in half for good reason: it is enough of a meal to share. I finished it, but I was famished….and full when done. 5

Value-it cost $12, but two moderately hungry fans could make a meal of it, plus it comes with fries. 5

Overall Taste-absolutely delicious. 5

APPEAL	4
INGREDIENTS	5
UNIQUENESS	5
MONSTROSITY FACTOR	5
VALUE	5
OVERALL TASTE	5
TOTAL	29

A near perfect score of 29 for the Minnesota Twins’ Brat Dog lands it in a tie for first place. The only thing holding it back from perfection? The name. If I didn’t know better (and the average fan won’t) I would think it was just a brat on a bun. It needs a new name that makes it stand out. Friends and followers have already suggested “The Tri-Pig” and “The Coronary Killer.” What do you think it should be called? Kent Hrbek call me.

I strongly suggest you get out to Target Field and down one while you can. While it is Hot Dog Explorer approved, I am pretty sure a group of cardiologists will lobby to get the AMA to ban this dog. My opinion is that if something is going to kill me, I want it to be while I am in the grandstand with a dog in my hand. That’s how I want to go.