OMG! I'm Gonna Die!

So I am pretty sure I am gonna die of cancer...and soon. At least if you have been watching the media lately you would think it a certainty. The World Health Organization (WHO) is the latest actor in the “hot dogs will kill you” crowd and took their turn beating the drum this week. According the the WHO, eating 1 ¼ hot dogs a day increases your chance of colorectal cancer by 18%.

Firstly, the WHO is part of the United Nations; an organization not exactly known for efficiency or being unbiased. If the UN says something, I automatically question it. Second of all, these people that claim hot dogs are bad for you are scientists. I love science and scientist, but they are also the same people that had no idea Pluto was in our solar system. Then they found it. Then the named it a planet. Then they decided it wasn’t a planet. Then they decided it was a dwarf planet. Then there is coffee. It’s good for you. It isn’t good for you. Sometimes it’s good for you. Then there is that whole “New York City will be underwater due to global warming by 2009” thing. The point is that while they mean well, scientist get it wrong…a lot. Don’t believe me? How’s your local weatherman doing with all that fancy scientific data and gizmos?

Now ponder life without hot dogs. Not a world I want to live in. Plus, who eats 1 ¼ hot dogs every day? Even during my last two summers of downing dogs at ballparks I averaged a hot dog every three days by the end of the year. And I am certain I am on the high end of the hot dog consumption spectrum.

So am I worried? I am actually more concerned about being killed in a freak vending machine accident than I am getting cancer from processed meat. And you should be too. Want to worry about something that could kill you? Lookup vehicle death statistics. And if the UN wants to do something to really help humankind, they should take on tobacco and leave the mainstay of ballpark cuisine alone.

hey, I only eat one dog a game anyway

Who wants to live forever anyway? You could lock yourself in your house and eat oatmeal three meals a day. Or, you could live a little and grab a dog or two now and again.

Hey we are all going to die, and when I drop dead I want to be in the bleachers at PNC Park with a dog in my hand.

World Series Wiener Report

The contestants for the fall classic are set! The Mets square off against the Royals for the top spot in MLB. Both teams clawed their way to the top, with the Mets surprising everyone, perhaps their fans the most. The New York and Kansas City benches are filled with talent, and those lucky enough to have a few thousands bucks stashed under their couch cushions or desperate enough to sell a major body organ can grab a seat in Citi Field or Kauffman Stadium to catch the action.

But what will those fans do when they get hungry? Anyone that would attend the World Series and not have a hot dog is a sure communist, that means tens of thousands of dogs will be consumed during the Series. Which venue offers the best dog options? We need only to climb into the Hot Dog Explorer Wayback Machine to see how those ballparks fared during my quest this summer for the best specialty hot dog.

Citi Field leans heavily on the New York Deli reputation to offer up the Pastrami Dog. It is a double-meat treat that starts off with a Nathan’s frank, topped with brown mustard and pastrami. This delicious creation is adorned with a pickle spear. It scored a 26 of the dog-o-meter during my visit.

Kauffman Stadium has a much better selection of specialty dogs, but the one that tops the list is the Royal Bacon Blue Dog. It is a Farmland frank covered in blue cheese crumbles, blue cheese dressing, chopped bacon and red onions. It weighed in with an overall score of 25.5.

So there you have it, the Mets edge the Royals for specialty dog bragging rights. I will say that the Royals have a far better selection, more interesting ballpark and cooler uniforms. So, my money's on the Royals.

Stuck at home and can’t get a ticket? Join the club. You can recreate any of the dogs listed. Just be sure to use an oversized bun to hold in all of that goodness. And if you really want it tasty: use a Hebrew National frank.

Enjoy the Series and grab a dog!

Hot Dog Alert #7

Chicago residents lamented the closing of the iconic Hot Doug’s this year. Owner Doug Sohn hung up his apron for good and one of the finest hot dog emporiums in the nation fell silent. Then the Cubs called.

Looking to reinvigorate their hot dog lineup (as all ballclubs should), the Cubbies lured Doug out of his short-lived retirement. Doug, an ardent Cubs fan, couldn’t say no. What hot dog vendor wouldn’t leap at the opportunity to put their fingerprint on Wrigley Field?

Even better, Doug is naming his encased meat delicacies after famous Cubs players from the 1970s. Here is his initial lineup:

Carmen Fanzone Dog-a spicy Vienna polish sausage with spicy brown mustard and caramelized onions.

Dave Kingman Dog-a bacon cheeseburger sausage with cola BBQ sauce and sharp cheddar cheese.

Rick Reuschel Dog-an atomic pork sausage with chipotle mustard and pepper jack cheese.

If you missed the 1970s due to being too young or being on drugs, trust me when I tell you these are great choices for hot dog monikers. Not much has changed since then, the Cubs still suck and Wrigley is still the ballpark with the ivy wall, but the infusion of the new hot dogs will give Wrigley concessions a new level of respectability. And hopefully help fans ignore that eyesore of a giant jumbotron they put in left field.

Doug, if you are listening, I’ll be more than happy to test these puppies out for you.

Hot Dog Alert #6

They say things are bigger in Texas. After consuming a good portion of the two-foot long Boomstick Hot Dog at Globe Life Park in Arlington, I believe it. But things are about to get weird as well.

In case you are glued to the tube on Saturdays and Sunday taking in football, you may have failed to notice that it is STILL baseball season and the MLB playoffs have begun. And if you are mesmerized by boys chasing the pigskin around and oblivious to other important life events (I am talking to you Oklahoma), you missed a great baseball comeback as the Texas Rangers clawed their way from third place to take the American League West Division.

So what are the Rangers going to do to celebrate and reward fans for coming out to root for the team? Introduce a new hot dog of course. This entry is a mixture of sweet and meaty. I know, sounds nasty, but I thought so too until I started testing some really strange dogs. They can be tasty if properly done.

Without further ado, allow me to introduce….The Cotton Candy Dog. It is a regular hot dog topped with cotton candy infused mustard and a tuft of either blue or pink cotton candy on top.

It doesn’t sound all that appealing, but I have learned not to judge a dog by its toppings. I’d love to try one, but alas, the Cotton Candy Dog will only be available during the playoffs. And I don’t have tickets. Want a full report on the dog? No problemo...just send me a playoff ticket and I am all over it. Talking to you Texas Rangers.  

If you do happen to have a ticket, get one ($10) and you can be a guest blogger and tell us all about this circus on a bun.

And allow me to repeat...IT IS STILL BASEBALL SEASON!

Tales From the Dark Side

What a way to end the summer. With just two days left in the season of sun, I spent the waning days of the 2015 regular season where it started: in the rock pile cheap seats at Coors Field. If you remember, I began my quest this year by attending the Rockies’ opening day in April. It was also my first foray to the dark side.

For lovers of hot dogs and all things processed meat, the dark side is where the new age hippies live. Those freaks of nature that do not consume the flesh of animals…in other words: communists. But temptation and curiosity got the better of me. Having tried the regular dog at Coors Field in 2014 and the Taco Dog in 2015, I was left with one option: the veggie dog. That’s right, I went meatless at the ballpark. For a hot dog explorer it is sort of like showing up for work naked.

I don’t have a rating system for veggie dogs, but I have actually had a few here and there. They, just like meat dogs, run the full spectrum from pretty good to pretty awful. None come as close as being as tasty as a Hebrew National on a bun though.

The reasonably- priced veg dog comes on an oversized bun. It is sort of like the Dodger Dog in reverse. The Dodger Dog’s frank sticks way over each end of the bun, whereas the veggie dog frank at Coors Field has about an inch of bun extending past the roll of liquefied and congealed vegetables.

I’d like to say it tasted good, but frankly it didn’t taste at all. I mean it seemed to have no taste. It was like a tube of meat-colored nothing on a bun. What helped was the generous portion of condiments put on the dog by the staff. The frank was really just a filler. And it far from filled me up. I immediately chased it with a 24 ounce Coors and a bag of peanuts.

Did I hate it? Are you kidding me? No, it didn’t taste good, but I ate it sitting in the cheap seats at a Major League baseball park watching the home team put the big hurt on my hapless Padres. And despite it being meat-free, being tasteless, and witnessing my favorite team take a shellacking, I was at the ballpark with a dog in my hand. And it don’t get no better than that.

Monsters of the Major Leagues: Specialty Hot Dog Smackdown Winner

After logging nearly 23,000 miles behind the wheel, countless gym showers and nights sleeping in my car...and a few extra pounds...I have the information you have been waiting for. You may have noticed that I have been absent a few weeks. It had nothing to do with my move to New Mexico, it had everything to do with getting time allotted on NASA’s supercomputers to crunch the numbers of all of the data I accumulated. And now, on par with the moon landing, I can tell you without a doubt which Major League Baseball team has the best specialty hot dog. In fact, I am pretty certain this information will help mankind more than all of that gravel we brought back from the moon.

If you have been following my blog, you probably already know the answer. I have also included a chart for those that cannot read and Giants fans. If you know baseball and processed meat, you should find it no surprise that the team with the best specialty dog in the MLB is: THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS.

Milwaukee is the the encased meat capital of the world. Plus, if you have ever been to Miller Park you have seen the fans tailgating in the parking lot. No serious Brewer fan would ever show up to the ballpark without Milwaukee’s version of a holy shrine: the grill. Fans grill their own franks, sausages, kielbasa, and the occasional burger while waiting in anticipation for the gates to the Brew Crew show to open. If anyone knows hot dogs, it’s Brewers fans. And if you want to make fans that are experts in what a great dog should taste like you had better offer up something big and fabulous. That is exactly what the Brewers concessions team has done. The Down Wisconsin Avenue Dog now reigns supreme as the dog to down in baseball. It was the only entry to get a perfect score. They were able to pull it off by offering a ginormous dog made with quality toppings at a great price. It all comes together in Milwaukee, the baseball hot dog center of the universe. Congratulations Brewers fans.

The surprises. Well, you might be surprised but not me. Two of the most storied franchises in baseball history, the Red Sox and the Yankees, end up on the bottom of the scale. The Red Sox in particular need hot dog help. I’m available.

Also, I have to mention two minor league teams that rival the majors: The Lehigh Valley IronPigs and the Akron Rubber Ducks. The two-foot meat bomb the IronPigs offer would crush most MLB entries. And the slaughterhouse on a bun called the Three Dog Night in Akron is a unique three-meat dog that makes any meat lover's knees weak. Well done.

So what is in the future for your Hot Dog Explorer? Firstly, lots of hiking and running to work off my newly acquired hot dog gut. It was actually the sedentary nature of eat, drive, sit at game, sleep, drive, repeat that caused that. FYI I can still see my shoes. Then there is the Arizona Fall League to explore now that I live in the southwest. Plus, as promised, I will be posting some of the non-baseball Hot Dog Hot Spots I visited on my trip. Lastly, I am working on the sequel to “Gone to the Dogs” that will chronicle my trip this summer entitled “Doggone Good.” You are buying my book aren’t you?