Tales From the Dark Side

What a way to end the summer. With just two days left in the season of sun, I spent the waning days of the 2015 regular season where it started: in the rock pile cheap seats at Coors Field. If you remember, I began my quest this year by attending the Rockies’ opening day in April. It was also my first foray to the dark side.

For lovers of hot dogs and all things processed meat, the dark side is where the new age hippies live. Those freaks of nature that do not consume the flesh of animals…in other words: communists. But temptation and curiosity got the better of me. Having tried the regular dog at Coors Field in 2014 and the Taco Dog in 2015, I was left with one option: the veggie dog. That’s right, I went meatless at the ballpark. For a hot dog explorer it is sort of like showing up for work naked.

I don’t have a rating system for veggie dogs, but I have actually had a few here and there. They, just like meat dogs, run the full spectrum from pretty good to pretty awful. None come as close as being as tasty as a Hebrew National on a bun though.

The reasonably- priced veg dog comes on an oversized bun. It is sort of like the Dodger Dog in reverse. The Dodger Dog’s frank sticks way over each end of the bun, whereas the veggie dog frank at Coors Field has about an inch of bun extending past the roll of liquefied and congealed vegetables.

I’d like to say it tasted good, but frankly it didn’t taste at all. I mean it seemed to have no taste. It was like a tube of meat-colored nothing on a bun. What helped was the generous portion of condiments put on the dog by the staff. The frank was really just a filler. And it far from filled me up. I immediately chased it with a 24 ounce Coors and a bag of peanuts.

Did I hate it? Are you kidding me? No, it didn’t taste good, but I ate it sitting in the cheap seats at a Major League baseball park watching the home team put the big hurt on my hapless Padres. And despite it being meat-free, being tasteless, and witnessing my favorite team take a shellacking, I was at the ballpark with a dog in my hand. And it don’t get no better than that.